I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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