woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
