It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
