thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
