I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
