If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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