why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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