At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
