btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
