I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Less talking, more tequila
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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