Moan for me like Helen Keller
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
