she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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