I just saw a hot homeless man
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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