i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
