Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
