we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
