if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I've blown a few things in my day
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
