I wish I could teleport
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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