How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
