I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
There's always time for handjobs
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
