The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
this is an emotional support booty call
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
