a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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