Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
