My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
