Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
