How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
