..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
