Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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