okay pat passed out under dana's car
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
