I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
