Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
