I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
