your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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