i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
