nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
