He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
