Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
