So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
