she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Randomize
