Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
