we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
