yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I fill condoms, not promises.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
