I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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