Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
