Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
MIDGETS
????
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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