I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
