You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
