Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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