Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
