i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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